I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
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I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Pringles
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Childbirth is so beautiful