I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
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sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”