I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
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My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
This will teach them to underestimate me
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
never compromise your values
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.