Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.

I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.

I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.

[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?

Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home

Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable

Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?

M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work

“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.

Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home

[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.

*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before

Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs

My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.

10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.

long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.

Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*

Him: oh yeah

[my place]

Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!

Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️

Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.

Government Shutdown: Day 13

Anthony Weiner decides to help.

He takes a photo.

He tweets.

Congress now sees where balls are located.

I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”

[getting pulled over]

Me: R u a bear cop?

Bear cop: Is that a problem?

Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop

*mauls me for bad pun*

I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.

oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode

The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles

I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???

Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm