I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
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Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby