I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
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My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
did it work
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I feel seen
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.