Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying

I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning

Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.

fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am

*blunted, plastic butter knife

You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.

two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet

Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]

It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.

For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.

Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?

a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*

The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.

We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.

The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.

Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these

Nature abhors a vacuum

My dog: frfr

A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have

I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea

Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for

Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over

me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]

robber: why are u wearing a glove

me: I meant to grab my bat lol

robber: lol

I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.

1st base: sex

2nd base: not wearing makeup

3rd base: calling each other

home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!

Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.

Him: What happens if they get overheated?

Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-

Him: *whispers* hot mess.