I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.