Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*

5-year-old: Who’s there?

Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.

5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?

It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.

If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.

Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus

[Driving]

*Sees a McDonald’s*

*Thinks coffee*

*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*

moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow

Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.

setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here

The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.

spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.

I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

I’m in a really bad place right now*

*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs

Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.

Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….

Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol

[1st date]

HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?

ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.

[therapy]

WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter

ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny

Doing math together is known as fourplay.

My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.