I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
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PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
an airline just for babies.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
This is hilarious
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.