I used to put eggs in the trunk with the rest of the groceries but now that they are $9 a carton one of the kids can ride back there and the eggs can take a car seat
You Might Also Like
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Scientists have proven that combination locks are a lot harder to open when you have to pee.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
be careful
