I used to put eggs in the trunk with the rest of the groceries but now that they are $9 a carton one of the kids can ride back there and the eggs can take a car seat
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Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Good morning!
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread
make sure its switched to “on”
I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get