Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?

Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand

5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?

Me: haha not quite

5yo: *just glares at his little brother*

Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……k

That’s how a good marriage works people.

*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.

[garden of Eden]

Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake

if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab

curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious

This guy is full of crap

-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse

I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.

[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”

Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.

I have a confession…

I don’t like Oreos.

And it feels so great getting that off my chest!

*blocked by all of Twitter*

What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?

E-Lawn

Batman: I’m afraid of bats

Superman: I’m afraid of soup

Me: maybe we should let it live

Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?

Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale

Ahab: …ha

Me: haha

Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez

Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot

Ahab: oh like immediately

It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread

ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA

blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”

[fancy restaurant]

JESUS: what do you do for a living

DATE: I’m a pilot

JESUS: *narrows eyes*

I do things for others…

Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.

He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink

– me with a broken jaw

Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no

HER: what’s your sign?

ME: i’m an asparagus

HER: you mean aquarius

ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun

*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*

me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”

Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?

There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.

You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:

Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.

wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?

😭😭

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!