Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”

*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*

A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.

I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.

[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet

I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand

Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question

My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.

I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.

Compromise.

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…

*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*

quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job

Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.

I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”

Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.

My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.

Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.

me: (11 pm) 😴

me: (1 am) 😴

me: (3 am) 😴

me: (5 am) 😴

me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!

Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears

3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!

This is every influencer giving “advice.”

The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.

Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.

Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.

The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien

Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.

Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*

ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.