I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
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My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out