Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.

Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?

Me: I follow my heart…

Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.

Me: I prefer the natural look

Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products

Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.

A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.

Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.

*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”

*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”

Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.

*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.

Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.

[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true

I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.

“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year

People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it

Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥

My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”

Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing

I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.

Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*

My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!

GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?

[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]

ME: car his keys.

Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me

Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.

Was just called down to Human Resources.

Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.

ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!

[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!