I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
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Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Cleaning your kids room will piss you off cause why is my Air Fryer in here.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add