I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
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DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids