I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
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I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.
Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off