Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him

righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.

– factory defect men’s underwear

Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen

Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.

Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson

I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet

I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.

What did YOU think I’m talking about?

Weirdos!!

Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school

Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.

Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍

FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!

ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on

When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down

*walks in restroom reading phone*

*opens stall door & starts peeing*

Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…

Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”

I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.

In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.

Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.

Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.

I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.

People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.

Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.

Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”

8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.

*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs

wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair