Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*receives a monthly bill*

didn’t i just pay this last month??

Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.

Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman

IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE

My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.

This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy

Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.

Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.

I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.

Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”

It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.

Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol

Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted

Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.

You had ONE job!

– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.

You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.

Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.

Me: When can you operate?

*lighting a candle*

Doctor: When we find you a new liver.

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?

My boys are gamers and I’m single

It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries

i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins

Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money

Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.

Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…

Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.

I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.

If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.