Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.

My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

[after first date]

Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again

Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people

[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking

When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.

[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]

me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”

Coronavirus: LOL.

*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!

God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what

“So how was your date?”

I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much

“That wasn’t a good idea”

Yeah well, hindsight is 1

Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?

Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?

Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.

Support your local cemetery

Me: I’d like a nap please.

Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.

Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.

I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.

My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”

BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop

Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.

Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television

The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever

Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this

Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!

You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…

Can’t. About to go please some beans

Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.

Only short people can save us