@KentWGraham

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

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@PaulyMosh

Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again

@sophienuuttall

*goes through crush’s phone when he dies*

*gets out ouija board*

“who is Emma”

@TheTweetOfGod

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

@Browtweaten

[Quarantine Diary, Day 3]

My homemade mummy costume was met with violent backlash

@salamingia

Boss: you spend a lot of time on your phone!

Me: you spend too much time watching me. Don’t you have work to do?

@daemonic3

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

@SortaBad

20s: Rage Against The Machine

30s: Rage Against Literally Everything

@prufrockluvsong

her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist

@BEEAAARR

Too bad Anne Frank never saw Home Alone. Could have been a serious game changer in my opinion.