I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

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Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again


*goes through crush’s phone when he dies*

*gets out ouija board*

“who is Emma”


Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.


[Quarantine Diary, Day 3]

My homemade mummy costume was met with violent backlash


Boss: you spend a lot of time on your phone!

Me: you spend too much time watching me. Don’t you have work to do?


“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively


20s: Rage Against The Machine

30s: Rage Against Literally Everything


her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist


Too bad Anne Frank never saw Home Alone. Could have been a serious game changer in my opinion.