Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
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*goes through crush’s phone when he dies*
*gets out ouija board*
“who is Emma”
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
[Quarantine Diary, Day 3]
My homemade mummy costume was met with violent backlash
Boss: you spend a lot of time on your phone!
Me: you spend too much time watching me. Don’t you have work to do?
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Too bad Anne Frank never saw Home Alone. Could have been a serious game changer in my opinion.