I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
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Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”