I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
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These are my emotional support Pringles.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.