I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
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whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
As the Lord intended
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there