I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
You Might Also Like
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
The old gods are rising again.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Jennifer who dumped me in Junior High now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
Oh, how the tables have turned Jennifer.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
getting seasonal up in here
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married