I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
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My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
when nothing goes right… go left
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Aight bet
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen