i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
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i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
My blood type is coffee.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
I am patiently waiting for your email
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
