i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
TEETH IS INNOCENT
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
