i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Weirdly Wednesday.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
