i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”

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Sometimes when I’m sad, I’ll go to the park and, from a distance, look thru my thumb and index finger and begin squishing people’s heads…


The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17


When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”


My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”


Having a traditional Columbus Day. Headed to a casino to hand out blankets with smallpox on them.



[wife being a real pain]

Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?


Wife: Good morning handsome

Me: Hi

Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you

Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?

Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again

Me: There it is


[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.


I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.