I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
My life in a nutshell
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
