I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
wishing you and yours all the best
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
