I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
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british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat