I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
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If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks