I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
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Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
…u ok Nintendo?
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
pizza
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit