I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
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I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…