I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
You Might Also Like
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
PDF: *pops up at 176%*
Why are you yelling at me
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.