I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
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Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!