Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?

Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with

A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.

If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.

I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.

All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.

Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.

If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.

Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?

Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.

How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?

How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.

i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times

“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.

[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it

*During sex*

Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.

I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?

Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

*sigh*
Me: thanks God!

(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.

#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.

me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself

her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon

[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on

My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.