Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.

I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…

She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FN2AjOCWYAg_mbq.mp4

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!

For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman

I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.

I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.

*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”

If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??

(first week into weight watchers)

You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?

It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on

Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.

When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.

Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.

First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching

A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.

In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.

[eyeing a beautiful woman]

ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants

HER: they look terrible on you

What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf

I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast

Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited