Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:

1. if they stop swimming

2. if they accidentally eat a grenade

if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you

When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.

They wanted to talk to me about cheeses

P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.

NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE

The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.

12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.

Jealousy is a horrible green monster.

Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.

🙁

3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.

I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.

I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.

if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell

*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*

Me: table for two

Hostess: did you have reservations

Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now

Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.

I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.

My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.

DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord

DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?

DV: fire!

[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]

[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes

[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”

11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

🥲

I want what they have

“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!

Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*