I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
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Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
who’s gonna tell her?
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…