I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
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can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.