I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
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[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*