Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*carpools to work*

Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops

The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.

“Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.

secret recipe

I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs

the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills

Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.

Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?

You have a polkageist.

i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

Drugs don’t ruin lives

Drug tests do

i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it

*Removes smoke detector battery

**Cooks in silence

*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*

Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.

It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.

This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.

[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police

Some people age like wine, others age like milk.

girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards

Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.

A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.

me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]

Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?

After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.

Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.

It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.

[1st time doing the sex]

her: wanna get on top

me: uh, sure

[later]

me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up

Wife: I find him very patronising.

Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.

Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.