Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.

Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

*pulls up pants*

Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?

If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card

GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT

He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach

When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.

Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.

Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?

Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’

working on a name for my new business

my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not

Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?

In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.

Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash

911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu

The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.

Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.

I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.

I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…

Will boys ever get pants right!?

I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.

It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.

You win again, life.

#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath

Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun

me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”