I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
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for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂