I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
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Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
secret recipe
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.