I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
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the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Brain: that was a good cookie
Body: here’s 4 pounds
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.
Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Body by Oreos
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”
– Midnight, a church friend
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve