I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
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Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
the council will decide your fate
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.