I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
You Might Also Like
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
I cannot stop laughing at this
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
😅😅😅
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
bad news gang
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
