I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
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[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
I am a gravy boat captain
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
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Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers