Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee

A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do

Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.

sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.

“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.

If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.

I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.

It said..

FINAL NOTICE

Me: Good night Moon

Moon:

Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!

This seems like peak sibling energy

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers

WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu

waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot

me:

waiter:

me: lmao

waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u

me: oh definitely

If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.

serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert

me: sure!

serial killer: r-really

me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy

serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-

me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!

Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.

Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach

☠️ ☠️

Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.

Bruh 😭😭😭😭

I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.

I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.

I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.

Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read

My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.

When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-

She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.

I know this now.

If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.