I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
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[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.