I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
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told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
this chia pet tastes awful
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??