I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
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Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
The prophecy is fulfilled
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
We don’t deserve birds.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY