I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
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[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
crazy
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that