Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

them: are you talking to anyone?

me: yes, myself. i think we’re really hitting it off

Cat 911: What’s your emergency

Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish

Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it

Cat:

Cat 911:

Cat: Haha hahaha

Cat 911: hahahha

Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984

me: [gets on one knee]

GF: [gasps]

me: [reaches into pocket]

GF: OMG

me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot

me: this could have been an email

cop: step out of the car sir

They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.

Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.

oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow

Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.

Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?

The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude

I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur

me: I won’t I’m not an idiot

Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery

me: *eyes narrow*

My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.

ME: Who’s a good boy?

MY DOG: What have you heard?

All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.

Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.

We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.

“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.

My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.

Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”

How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby

Skills

Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!

*2 hours later*

Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?

Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE

No one:

Absolutely no one:

Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume

ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.

MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?

idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.