I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
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Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Air conditioning – not a fan
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
6: are snakes just neck?
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.