Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back

Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow

Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th

Mapping America’s Far Right

I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.

So I got her a bag of peas.

The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”

ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery

No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.

teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring

Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?

🎉Made my last car payment 🎉

I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore

DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”

If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

Is this:

A. A blue shark

B. A leopard shark

C. A pelagic thresher

D. None of the above

POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.

This guy gets it.

coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is

me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic

detective: but where exactly?

me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.

It cost me an arm and a leg!

This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far

Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.