Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*flirting with a guy at work*

Soooooo, what do you do for a living?

I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.

Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares

ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane

How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine

Satan: “Waaazzz up?”

God: “Speak of the Devil.”

Satan: “Really?”

God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”

Satan: “Jesus Christ.”

Jesus: “What?”

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones

(first date)

Her: I love Star Trek

Me: Me too!

Her: What’s your favourite part?

Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!

How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.

We never “welcomed” a baby into our family. We just kind of brought them home and tickled them every now and then.

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”

Guess what!

Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!

And nobody likes Mexicans!

Big deal! Who cares!

ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon

Me: love it

ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon

Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes

ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon

Me: that’s an amer-

ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon

Me: goddammit

We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”

I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″

ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?

LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*

vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.

News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”

Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”

A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.

Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”

Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur

me: I won’t I’m not an idiot

Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery

me: *eyes narrow*

Truth. 😆😭😮‍💨

them: PTSD

my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder

Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.

Partner: It’s raining

Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything