Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.

Delete your tweet.

McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.

But I don’t like to point fingers.

Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.

Whey they go low, I go high*

*can’t bend over due to age

May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans

ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.

WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.

ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog

I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way

Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.

*decides towels smell like mildew

*buys special laundry agent to remove odors

*washes load of towels

*forgets load in washer until morning

*repeat

what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom

I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack

[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free

yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm

[commercial for kids]

woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!

narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?

ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love

I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”

yeah I’m excited for Dune 2

dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you

Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.

At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.

to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around

Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”

my cat: I’d like to go out

me: ok

my cat’s tail: not me tho

Stranger danger is a very real thing.

They nearly always react badly to proposals.

I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.

Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you

Me: But I couldn’t stop myself

Murderer: But you could of

Me: oh no

friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR

I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.