Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then

Genius idea!!

Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose

Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.

I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?

The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

Her: baby I’m so wet

Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now

Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done

the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with

I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.

Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun

If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.

My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.

don’t never drink and drive. drive high.

WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine

Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.

Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago

imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds

My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.

There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives

Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.

Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.

People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.

gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”

omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo

I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.

“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”

-Families making Christmas plans in 2020

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?