Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.

It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.

Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.

They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.

MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH

the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal

I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of

Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.

I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.

Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

10/10 no notes

9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.

The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.

Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.

[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]

DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole

CONTESTANT: what?

[hole opens in the ground]

Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.

Body by sandwich.

Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”

Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”

I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.

the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”

If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.

I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.