Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds

FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex

ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that

*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé

Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?

MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH

HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it

normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16

I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.

Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.

H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”

You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud

There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.

*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*

*serves poached eggs*

I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.

rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭

ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor

FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?

ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer

*rolls up on dance battle*

Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

*hands out pamphlets*

Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.

The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall

Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.

Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.

When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?

Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.

For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.

To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.

Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?

Me: I tire easily.