I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
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Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Muppet Screams
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally