I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
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“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.