I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
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Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.
Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Lmfaoooooo
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Tower: Where are you, pilot?
Pilot: I’m over Cologne.
Tower: Your pungent odour has not gone unnoticed, but where are you?
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.