I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
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i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.