I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
You Might Also Like
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Impervious: being an admitted pervert